I didn't want to go to yet another church event because I was "too tired," "too busy," and "didn't like the book." She challenged me in saying, very lovingly, "are you so sure it isn't because you're afraid of growing?"
I, of course, responded to this criticism stubbornly. No, I'm not afraid of growing. Yes, I feel like I'm worthy of the unending love of God. No, I'm not dodging the community of believers because I'm afraid of what they'll think; because I'm afraid of feeling things in front of them.
And then I realized that... Actually, I am very afraid of growing.
More importantly, I'm afraid of what it would take for me to grow.
"O Lord, You are the God of the early mornings, the God of the late nights, the God of the mountain peaks, and the God of the sea. But, my God, my soul has horizons further away than those of early mornings, deeper darkness than the nights of earth, higher peaks than any mountain peaks, greater depths than any sea in nature. You who are the God of all these, be my God. I cannot reach to the heights or depths; there are motives I cannot discover, dreams I cannot realize. My God, search me." -(Psalm 139 paraphrased by Oswald Chambers)
Do we honestly, truly believe that God can fortify and protect our thought processes far beyond where we can go?
Do we honestly believe that when the Sciptures say, "the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin" (1John 1:7) that it means all sin-- including the sin we are unaware of? The sin that stunts our growth?
If the bible meant we are only cleansed of our conscious sin, then God have mercy on us all.
Sin hardens our heart so much that sometimes, a lot of the time, we are not even aware of it. God will cleanse us of even these deep, unseen sins, so long as we choose to walk in the light.
I want to grow. I don't like how growth feels, but I want to grow. God help me, I don't want to be a foolish woman.
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